


At the End of the Fall

by wings98



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cancer, Character Death, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Fireman!Dean, M/M, Novak Family, True Love, Writer!Castiel, castiel novak - Freeform, destiel au, i don't know how to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-10 15:04:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2029542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wings98/pseuds/wings98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Destiel AU. Dean Winchester, a fireman who stopped considering himself happy since his life crumbled down before his eyes receives shocking news that could make everything worse for him: he was diagnosed with lung cancer. However, when Dean finally opens the gift that his lover Castiel had left for him before his death, could this change life for the green eyed man? </p><p>As he relives his story with the greatest love of his life, could a man choose to live again when he's already reaching the end of the fall?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Grand Story

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I want to thank anyone who took the time to open this story, it means a lot to me and I hope that you won't regret it. I hope this reaches everyone expectations, including my own, and that you enjoy reading this as much as I'll enjoy writing it. Let me know what you think.
> 
> Thank you.  
> I don't own Supernatural.

_All I want is nothing more_  
 _to hear you knocking at my door,_  
 _'cause if I could see your face once more_  
 _I could die a happy man I'm sure_

 

Dean Winchester wasn’t the happiest man alive. He wasn’t content with his life either. And he wasn’t part of the miserable bunch that lived their questionably important lives doing their unimportant daily activities. He was 30 year old fireman; he had a respected job, and was no doubt a hero. He was doing something very important with his life, and that had once been more than enough. He had been more than content with that.

Dean had never been a miserable man before, but right now he wondered if this was misery, or if he had a more bitter sensation to experience yet. He was diagnosed with lung cancer 5 hours ago. He’s been sitting on the same couch for the past 3 hours since he got home, and he has yet to form a complete, coherent thought on his dumb stricken mind. One of the few things he had clear was that he couldn’t even remember driving home.

He sighed and leaned his elbows on his knees, face hiding on his hands. He didn’t want to call his family. He didn’t even want to see anyone’s face when he told them the news. He didn’t want to tell them yet. Heck, if he could he would just forget about all this. After what seemed like forever he finally stood up with a heavy sigh and grabbed a drink. He started making his way to his room and paused in front of a picture.

As he stared at the caught memory his stomach felt heavier and his head too crowded, and he distantly wondered how many drinks it would take to make the feeling go to sleep before he did. 2 years ago Dean lost the greatest love of his life. Not some person he would love for 2, 10, 20, or 30 years. No, it was the kind of love that lived after death, the kind of promise that you kept forever. A small smile graced his lips by the simple memory; his heart warmed as much as it ached when he remembered the name. Castiel…

Cas had brought such joy to his life that he couldn’t bring himself to say he hated it. He had felt the true beauty love could offer, and had experienced it at its best. He didn’t hate his life, he just… he wasn’t happy with it. He was far from happy with it. Ok, so maybe he was close to hating it, but he wasn’t there yet.

He took the picture with his free hand and allowed his mind to go back to that time. He still remembered perfectly. It was a picture of him and Castiel sitting on the trunk of the Impala, each with a beer on their hands. They were laughing, talking about nonsense and staring at the sunset. Jess had taken that picture around 4 years ago. They had been spending the day with her and Sam, when the small group decided to spend the evening on a lonely highway, not too far from town. It had been a pleasant evening, 4 young people in love, passing the time together, having fun, drinking cheap alcohol; it was the definition of being drunk with bliss. They had stopped drinking around 8:00pm, but they couldn’t bring themselves to leave until 2:00am.

Dean sighed and blinked back the tears that formed on his eyes as he put the picture down. It felt so strange. 60% chance of living, said the doctor. 40% chance of dying. Dean was 40% dying at the moment, currently crying over a picture of him and his already dead lover.

He wiped his face and took a sip from his drink. He took a cold shower, and put on some boxers. He sat on his bed for a while, wondering if he would stare at a wall for hours without doing anything again. It took him 5 minutes to think about what Sammy would say if Dean told him about his situation, and that was all it took for the green eyed man to start crying. He hid his face on his hands, and sobbed quietly on them. _What would Sammy do if he knew?_

After a while, he tried to remember everything he could. He thought about Sam, he thought about Cas, he thought about everyone that came to mind, and soon the people started to became memories; moments, words, promises… And then a very important detail came back to haunt him.

_“I finished it.” Cas said as he grabbed Dean’s hand._

_“It's on the top shelf of the closet. When you’re ready, read it.” His voice had a pleading tone to it._

_“Yeah, ok Cas, I will.” Dean replied, his voice breaking in the middle of his sentence._

_“But promise you will read it.” Cas insisted, his eyes wide and more demanding than before. Dean stared at them for a moment, and when the silence got too upsetting for Cas he spoke up again “Dean.”_

_“Yeah, yeah I promise you.” He finally responded, giving his lover’s hand a gentle squeeze. “I promise you.” He whispered, taking the hand to his lips and giving it a tender kiss._

A story, a message, a gift. Cas had called it so many different things every time he wasn’t even sure what it was about. As if he had just remembered that he needed to get up to work, Dean stood up and quickly made his way to the closet, reaching for the top shelf and taking the box on his hands. He had remembered it so many times, but he never dared to open it. He was more afraid than curios, his sadness and every other overwhelming emotion that came with the thought of reading Cas’ last message for him overcoming any desire to keep his promise.  
But he was 40% dying now; he might as well read it now.

Dean stared at it for almost a whole minute, a part of him waiting to see if his mind would shut down and he would hide the box away again, but he was almost surprised to find he was- though nervous- carrying a desire to open the box. Some part of his brain, probably the part that was still shocked and not thinking clearly told him that if he read the message now, his problems would just go away. That somehow, Cas would make it better through a piece of him that he left behind, just for Dean.

“Alright then.” He muttered. With a shaky breath and equally shaky hands, Dean opened the box, and found a small notebook in there. It was actually some kind of folder that looked suspiciously like an album, and he briefly wondered if he would just find pictures of them in there, but Cas had made it clear that it was some sort of story.

He opened the notebook, and took a sharp intake of breath when he saw the first page. There was a picture of him and Cas skydiving on a cloudy day. Cas was laughing in pure bliss while Dean laughed out of nervousness and slight fear, secured against his boyfriend’s chest. He remembered, he remembered alright. Castiel had been so excited, so thrilled that Dean had accepted to skydive with him.

_“We’re falling!” Dean yelled once they were already on the free fall, but Castiel simply laughed._

_“No, Dean, we’re flying!” He had said._

Underneath the picture, there was a short sentence, a title, Dean guessed:

**“At the end of the fall: THE GRAND STORY”**

Castiel had been a photographer with frustrated dreams of becoming a writer, a fact Dean couldn’t ignore now as he stared at the object on his hands. This had been Castiel’s last story. The thought caused his eyes to water again, but he smiled and shook his head, not bothering to try to blink the tears away this time. His boyfriend could be so sappy sometimes.

He turned the page, and finally read the first part of Castiel’s message. It sure was a long message.

_My dearest Dean,_

_I am so glad you finally decided to open my gift, I just hope it didn’t take you 20 years. First of all, I want to apologize for leaving you, believe me when I say I would’ve stayed until the end with you. I’m sorry for not being there, that time when you needed me, and every time afterwards. I also want to thank you, for every wonder you brought to my life. Our love was truly something, wasn’t it?_

_I remember when Sam introduced us (or was it Sam?). Such an ass I thought you were. Yeah, laugh all you want, but I wasn’t wrong about that, you were actually an ass. If I had known there what I know now, though… because you were the greatest person that ever walked into my life, Dean. You simply walked in and took everything I was, and I didn’t even mind. You had earned the last part of my life, and I gave it to you. And it was the best decision I ever made, and I can tell you now without a doubt that I never regretted it, not ever, not even once._

_Our story was my best story, love. Do you understand what this means? It means that my life was my favorite story, the best one I ever made, and I made it next to you. I made it with you. And that’s something that no book can ever compare to. It’s a story that not even ten thousand different pictures can even fathom the idea of telling. And even though you know every word of it by heart, I choose to leave it here, for you now. I want you to feel it as I tell it, and nod and laugh as you understand me. You will understand me, so don’t worry. I can read every line to this letter in your green eyes, believe when I tell you, you’ve already heard this a thousand times._

Tears covered the page and Dean shook his head as he cried. He was hurting so much, but he was glad he finally opened that message. A small part of him told to go on, to keep reading, but he shook his head to himself. He didn’t want to start reading only to fall asleep in the middle of a sentence. It felt wrong. No, he would do this, but he would do this right. Slow and patient, careful not to miss any word, not to miss any feeling. He closed the folder and held it to his shaking chest, tears falling silently from his cheeks. He eventually fell asleep.

 

_When you said your last goodbye_ _I died a little bit inside._  
 _I'd lay in tears in bed all night_  
 _alone without you by my side._  
  
 _But if you loved me... why'd you leave me?_  
 _Take my body, take my body..._

_ -All I Want by Kodaline _

 


	2. We spoke at night, we smiled 'til dawn.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His eyes were green and his smile was perfect, his youthful face shining bright, and I wondered if his soul had a light of its own.
> 
> The moment I met him I found myself fixated on him.

_This is me praying that_   
_this was the very first page,_   
_not where the storyline ends._   
_My thoughts will echo your name_   
_until I see you again..._

 

Saturday, September 14, 2013  
San Francisco, California.

Dean woke up at 8:00am, stretching and groaning as he did so. He laid there for a few seconds before the events of yesterday evening came back to mind. He felt his stomach drop and his chest tighten, the familiar feeling of fear spreading through his body. Right, cancer. He unconsciously reached out for Castiel’s folder, and had to sit up in order to find it. The blonde stared at it for a moment before taking it. He let out a heavy sigh and willed himself to get out of bed. He desperately needed to clear his head and hide the overwhelming sea of feelings that suffocated him in a way so different to his cancerous fits. He honestly had a hard time deciding which one he disliked more.

He got out of bed and washed himself before making his way to the kitchen. He had his mind set on making himself an honest to God breakfast, before realizing he had no eggs, so he settled on cereal instead. He cleaned the place like he hadn’t in a long time. In fact, he barely did it most of the time. Sometimes Jess complained about the place being nasty when she came over, and they decided to clean it together, but it had been a long time since Dean got his last visit that wasn’t Benny, and his friend was only good at making his place dirtier.

After he was done cleaning and felt honestly satisfied with himself, Dean took a long, cold shower, and dressed on his most comfortable clothes. He grabbed Cas’ folder from his bedside table, and after pouring himself a drink he made his way to the living room’s couch. He knew he lived on a small house, but it still felt too big for just one person. There were two bedrooms upstairs and a bathroom, downstairs there were a somewhat big living room and a kitchen, and a second bathroom. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to move out. This had been Cas’ house even before they had decided to live together, moving out would feel like leaving someone behind. This was, of course, part of the not so logical process of mourning and not moving on, because the only person living there was Dean, and he couldn’t exactly leave himself behind. Or maybe he could. Maybe if he left, a big part that made him everything he was would stay here, in this empty house.

He took a sip from his drink as he sat down and tried to shake away the voice on his head that sounded suspiciously like his little brother saying that he needed to stop drinking that much. He opened the folder, reading the first page all over again and staring at the picture for a while, before moving on to the next part.

**_Chapter I_ **   
**_April, 2005_ **

_It had been a rather uneventful morning. Those that you spend on a small café, reading a book, thinking about work, looking for someone to hopelessly stare at. And then you take a walk only to find the city looks as boring as always. Just another day on Castiel’s life._

_I only had one job for the day. My best friend Sam’s family from San Jose wanted a photographic session. Honestly, I was a little excited. Sam had told me enough about his family, and they sounded like wonderful people, the kind I would enjoy meeting and working with. Mary Winchester had been a dear, beautiful woman, the type of person you could love after spending one day with her. Years of being a mother made her warm to other people, and I understood Sam’s endless rant about her._

_I had yet to meet his older brother Dean, a fireman who, despite his asshole ways as Sam had mentioned many times before, seemed to love his family more than anything else. I didn’t really think I would talk too much to him, honestly… but then I turned around, and found myself face to face with him. His eyes were green and his smile was perfect, his youthful face shining bright, and I wondered if his soul had a light of its own._

_The moment I met him I found myself fixated on him._

April 09, 2005. Saturday  
San Jose, California

Castiel was snapping pictures of Sam and Jess, grinning as they laughed and fooled around. Every picture looked so good people would’ve thought they were actually posing for the camera. Leave it to Sam and Jess to look this good without trying to. They were on Mary’s garden, a spacious and quite beautiful place; the kind of place Cas enjoyed taking pictures in. Mary was sitting on a chair, smiling warmly at her son and his girlfriend, shaking her head. She allowed him to take a few pictures of her alone, and asked him around five times in just two hours to call her by her name. The Winchesters house was beautiful from the inside, and while it wasn’t as luxurious as the house he had grew up on, it still felt like the kind of place a son could call home even after not living there anymore. There were several pictures as well. There was a young and very attractive couple that Cas assumed had to be Mary and her husband- who Cas learned died because of a heart attack- when they were younger, there was picture of a pregnant young Mary, and there were pictures of a blonde boy that had to be Dean, Sam’s older brother that the tall boy talked about more often than he cared to admit. As Cas kept staring at the pictures of Sam and his family, one caught his attention.

There was a picture of a very happy looking Sam who seemed to be just slightly younger, and the grinning blonde boy that had an arm around him had to be his brother, except this time he looked older, and quite attractive.

“Look at that, the golden years.” A strange voice came from behind him, making him jump and snapping him out of his thoughts. He turned around and came face to face with an older, much more attractive version of the blonde boy in the picture. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m Dean.” The boy smiled, and in that moment Castiel felt like he could stop breathing.

“Yeah, I know, Sam’s told me a lot about you.” He replied, hoping that his reaction hadn’t been too obvious. “I’m Castiel.”

Before Dean could say anything else another, this time familiar, voice caught their attention. “Dean?” Sam called as he walked out of the kitchen holding a jar of lemonade, and the older man’s beautiful green eyes shined with something Cas recognized as warmth.

“Hey Sammy.” He laughed as he turned around, and Sam paid no mind to the silly nickname this time as he put the jar down and threw his arms around his brother for a quick hug. “Hadn’t seen you in almost a month, Sam, what’s up with that?” Dean asked as they pulled away.

“I’ve been busy, studying and stuff.” Sam smiled down at him and Cas noticed for the first time that Dean wasn’t as abnormally tall as his brother like he had thought he’d be. “Anyway, how are you?”

“Ah, you know, saving people and stuff, the usual business.” Dean replied with a cocky grin and Sam rolled his eyes.

“So, I see you’ve met Cas.” Sam said nodding on the blue eyed male direction and Dean turned around, his green eyes meeting blue.

“Yeah, we were just introducing ourselves when you walked in.” Dean replied, his eyes still on Castiel. “So, Cas? My brother tells me you’re taking a few pictures of my lovely family, I guess since you’re friends you’re doing it for free, right?” He asked and Cas wasn’t sure if he was joking or not. He had actually tried to assure Sam that he didn’t need to pay him, that he could consider it a gift for him and his family. Cas’ family economy was more than good, and the truth was that he didn’t really need the money, but Sam had taken none of that, insisting that Mary would force him to accept the money eventually anyway, so there was no point arguing.

“Umm…” He mumbled, unsure of what to think about Dean’s question. Fortunately Sam stepped in and saved the day.

“Don’t listen to him, Cas.” He asked taking the jar of lemonade from the table he had put it in and rolling his eyes at Dean. “He’s just being a dick.” And Cas simply nodded because, what else could he say?

They made their way outside where Jess and Mary were sitting on the garden table. They waited for the boys’ uncle, Bobby and his nephew Garth, who didn’t take too long to arrive and after everyone talked and drank lemonade for a while Cas finally got to work. The next 45 minutes or so consisted on him asking them to step on certain places depending on the light and the panorama, asking them to smile naturally, asking them to pose on a certain way, or even going to accommodate them himself. He took pictures of everyone together, and then people started moving aside. Mary asked for a picture of herself hugging her sons, and Cas granted him four. He took a few pictures of Sam and Dean, as well of Sam and Jess and Bobby and Garth, who Cas learned lived together. In that while Dean proved out to be honestly distracting. Whether it was because he posed however he wanted and not as Cas wished- and sometimes asked- he would, or because he moved around too much and made just more noise than necessary, sometimes bickering with either Sam or Bobby, or even that boy, Garth, whose mental health Cas found himself questioning more than once. Castiel found himself taking longer on finishing his job than usual. It was like a photographic session with animals or children; they always took too long. Finally he took a few pictures of each person alone and resisted the urge to sigh in relief when he said it was all done.

After it was over and Cas thanked the Heavens that the older Winchester brother had ran out of stupid jokes to tell, they all sat down for a while and he was glad to finally be able to spend some time with Sam and Jess on a house where he barely knew anyone. After about an hour Bobby and Garth said their goodbyes, explaining something about a car that needed to be fixed, and it was just the Winchesters, Jess and him on the house. They talked for a while, Mary asked the typical questions to what Cas replied that he was on his 4th semester on Photography, he was from L.A, had 4 siblings, lived alone, etc, etc. Through all that time Dean hadn’t spoke a word to him, but Cas met his gaze more than twice, and Dean would simply stare back with the ghost of a smile on his face that Cas wasn’t exactly sure how to take.

Around 7:00pm Mary insisted that they should all take a walk on the Japanese Friendship Garden, and her sons seemed to be thrilled with the idea, probably something they were used to and were fond of, so he and Jess simply smiled along. Cas had never actually been there, but he had heard about it once or twice. A beautiful place compared to any other park on San Jose or even California. They stepped outside, it was already a little dark, and since they wouldn’t all fit on Sam’s car comfortably they started making arrangements.

“You can take Jess and Cas in your car and I can go with Dean.” Mary told Sam, who nodded in agreement before Dean spoke up, and his words couldn’t have confused anyone more than they confused Cas.

“Or mom can go with you and Jess and I can take Cas.” Dean said simply. As if he and Cas took rides on the same car every other day. As if it was logical and much more comfortable for them to ride together on the day they just met. It wasn’t that Cas felt scandalized or had a problem with it, he just didn’t understand. Dean and him had barely exchanged more than a few words the entire day. Maybe he just wanted to get to know his brother’s best friend better, and that seemed to be the most obvious conclusion, that honestly didn’t sound too weird after all.

“Sure.” Cas shrugged.

“You sure? You can just ride with us.” Sam said looking at him and sending a confuse half look, half glare at Dean. “I mean, if you want to.”

“Come on, Sammy. Let the guy meet new people.” Dean responded for him, smiling easily. “I have a gorgeous car, a ’67 Chevy Impala, you’ll like it.” The green eyes boy told Cas, one of the few times that day he spoke directly to him. Cas smiled and nodded, though he didn’t actually knew shit about cars.

“Well, it’s settled, then. Samuel, let your mother climb into your car for once. Is there a disgusting mess you don’t want me to see in there?” Mary asked, already making her way to Sam’s car and the tall boy’s eyes grew impossibly wide at being called by his full name in front of his girlfriend.

“Mom, don’t call me that.” He muttered as he and Jess followed her.

“Why not? That’s the name I gave to you. That was your grandfather’s name.” Jess laughed at Sam’s blush and gave him a gentle pat on the back.

Dean and Cas started making their way to the Impala, and the blue eyed boy had to admit it was kept on a pretty good state, like it wasn’t actually old.

“Nice car.” Cas commented, for the sake of saying something. Maybe Dean would start bragging about it and they wouldn’t be stuck on an impossibly uncomfortable silence.

“I know.” Dean grinned. “It was my dad’s, but I kept it, been taking good care of her ever since.” He said, and Cas nodded, not having anything else to say at all. Dean didn’t continue talking about his car.

Well, so much for bragging.

He climbed into the car and Dean grinned at him when he started the car, apparently thrilled with the feeling of the Impala coming to life. Cas chuckled and turned his eyes front. It didn’t go past him the way Dean’s face transformed into something even brighter whenever he smiled, and through all the people Cas had taken pictures of no one looked quite like the boy currently driving the car he was in. Dean turned on the radio, but kept it at a low volume. They stayed in silence for a while longer than Castiel appreciated and he couldn’t help but feel slightly frustrated at how the boy couldn’t seem to shut up when he had been taking pictures but now he was as silent as a stone. Sure, he could talk too, but he wasn’t that much of a talkative person, though perhaps he should try now. He was just about to ask something not so interesting about Dean’s job when the blonde finally- and quite suddenly- decided to speak.

“So, Cas, 6th semester of Photography on Stanford. How did you end up meeting the guy from law school.” Dean said, feigning disgust at the ‘law school’ part, and Cas chuckled, glad that they were finally making conversation.

“He was lost on his first day of school, and kept getting lost everyday afterwards, so I always ended up helping him. He was a nice kid, I gave him my number in case he needed anything, and that’s how we became friends.” Cas explained, smiling at the memory of the 18 year old boy looking around the university like a child lost on the mall. Dean nodded.

“And you’ve known Jess for a long time as well?” He asked, eyes still on the road.

“Actually I’m the one responsible for introducing them.” Cas responded, almost sighing out the response.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Dean laughed, looking over to him briefly. Cas shook his head smiling.

“It is when you spend too much time with them, you start questioning the moment you decided to play cupid to a pair of freshmen.” The truth was the Jess and Sam were perfect for each other; Cas was sure that if he hadn’t introduced them they would’ve eventually ended up together one way or another. Dean chuckled in response, staying quiet for a little while before speaking up again.

“So, Castiel, what about you? Got a girlfriend?” He asked, smiling in an almost teasing manner at the younger man. Castiel laughed slightly and shook his head.

“No.” He answered simply, and Dean hummed in response, eyes still on the road.

“And a boyfriend?” He asked after an almost nonexistent pause, and Castiel froze for a moment, breath catching on his throat. He turned his eyes to Dean, but the other guy kept his eyes on the road, as calm and natural as he had been during the whole conversation, no hint of a joke on his eyes, and suddenly Castiel understood.

“Sam talked to you.” He said simply, leaning back on his seat and turning his head away. It wasn’t that he was ashamed, or that it was even a secret, he just wasn’t comfortable sharing that information with people he barely knew and could possibly judge him. Dean looked over at him, and Cas could feel those green eyes studying him but he refused to meet them.

“Actually I was the one that talked to him.” Dean replied easily, eyes back on the road. Castiel couldn’t find a single beat of disgust on his voice and he found himself relaxing slightly. “He called me a nosy son of a bitch.”

Castiel couldn’t even bring himself to wonder why Dean had asked about him in the first place, his head felt too light and he was just starting to get himself comfortable again, so he simply nodded and let out a small breathless laugh that the other boy returned with a smile.

“So, do you?” Dean asked after a while and Cas turned to look at him for the first time since the ‘I know you’re into guys, by the way’ accident.

“Do I what?” He asked, confused.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Dean tilted his head to the side as he explained, like he had just repeated a question for the second time, which he kind of did somehow.

“I, umm, no. No I don’t have a boyfriend.” Castiel replied awkwardly, still not sure how to feel around the fireman.

“Me neither.” Dean smiled, and Cas looked at him again, staring for a moment, trying to find anything that on the blonde’s face that might explain what the hell he was saying but found himself figuring out nothing.

“You don’t have a girlfriend?” Cas asked slowly, trying to understand what Dean meant.

“Or a boyfriend.” Dean replied, looking at him with that gorgeous smile before returning his eyes to the road, and Castiel found himself still staring for a moment, his thoughts swimming and he swore he had seen this bad habit of answering questions and still leaving a person confused on Sam several times before.

“Alright.” He said after a moment, returning his eyes to the road and finally settling for the not so uncomfortable silence anymore.

After a few minutes they finally got to Kelley Park’s parking lot, where they didn’t take long to spot Sam’s car and their family/friends. Cas didn’t bother pointing them out, since he knew Dean had noticed them. The blonde briefly acknowledged them before driving right past them.

“Um, where are you going?” Cas asked confused, turning his head back to look at the three people on the parking lot staring after the Impala, looking as confused as he felt.

“To park the car, of course.” Dean answered, as if it was obvious.

“There was enough space to park the car over there.” The blue eyed boy pointed out.

“There was? I missed it.” Dean shrugged his eyes still front. Castiel stared at him for a moment before leaning back into his seat. When he noticed Dean driving past even more empty spaces on the parking lot he shook his head and laughed softly. He wasn’t sure what the other boy was doing but it was certainly amusing him. Dean grinned as he looked over to him, apparently pleased at Cas’ reaction to whatever it was he was doing.

“Come on, Cas, tell me what you’re thinking.” He said as he kept skipping places to park, and Cas shook his head.

“I don’t know.” He said looking over to Dean with a ghost of a smile on his face. “I don’t even know what you’re thinking.” He added, shaking his head and looking the other way, his lips turning upwards. Sam’s older brother was good at waking up someone’s interest. Dean simply smiled at him, artificial light reflecting on his face through the dark, making his freckles stand out, and Cas felt his heart skip a beat at the sight.

Finally, Dean decided to park the car considerably far from where Sam and the rest were, and Castiel didn’t really mind.

“We’ll just have to walk ‘til we find them.” The blonde said, turning the engine off.

“Yeah, I guess we will.” Cas responded naturally, stepping out the car. The sky was already dark, adorned by countless stars. And Castiel found his eyes on it, just like every other night. There was nothing on the night sky that he would want to miss even one time. He smiled, returning his eyes to the mortal ground he was glued in, and kept on walking. A warm, pleasant feeling filled him as Dean found his way next to him, and he didn’t bother pushing it aside.

“We should just go to the Friendship Garden, they’re probably on their way there anyway.” Cas told him, and Dean simply nodded in response.

“Castiel.” Dean said, eyes front and Cas wondered if he ever looked at the person he was talking to. “What do you do?”

“I study 6th semester of Photography on Stanford University.” He answered in mock seriousness, suppressing a smile.

Dean nodded, smiling with his eyes closed and his head down, before speaking up again. “And when you’re not studying your 6th semester of Photography on Stanford, what do you do?”

“I take pictures and hopefully get paid for it.” He answered, smiling this time as he did so.

“And when your life is not revolving around pictures?” Dean pressed on.

“I’m a photographer, Dean. My life revolves around pictures.” And this time Dean did look at him, smiling incredulously.

“I don’t believe you. Everyone does something else with their lives.” He said firmly, looking at the dark haired man completely sure of himself. He turned his body around so he was facing Castiel directly while walking backwards, and Cas shook his head at the action. “Some people sing, some people party, some people read, or watch TV, or have sex. Which person are you, Castiel?” Dean asked as he stared into Castiel’s very blue eyes, and the other man felt like he was searching for something within him.

“I… write.” He finally answered. “I am the person that writes.” He stated.

“You’re the writer.” Dean repeated.

“I am the writer.” Cas repeated after him, and the green eyes looked at him for a long moment. “Ok, if you make fun of me I’m walking right past you.” He said after a while causing Dean to laugh and turn his body around to walk normally next to him.

“I’m not. I’m not making fun of you.” He assured. “It’s just, I thought you’d do something more… distinctive.” Dean said after a beat of silence.

“Excuse me?” Castiel asked feigning offense.

“Yeah, it’s just… writing, you know?” Dean asked, saying the word with sarcastic impression, and Castiel encouraged him to go on. “Anyone can write, really.”

“Oh, is that so?” Castiel replied, amusement clear on his voice.

“Sure.” Dean said seriously. “I can write.” He continued, and Cas laughed out loud. The blonde smiled as he stared at the other man, deciding that he would make Castiel laugh like this more often if he got to see him like that again.

“I’m sure you can.” Castiel said, shaking his head and keeping his eyes front, copying his companion’s habit.

“I can. I’ll make something up, right now.” He insisted seriously despite his grin, and Cas laughed again. “What do you want me to write about?” He asked confidently. Castiel stayed quiet for a moment before answering with a smile.

“The night sky.”

“The night sky?” Dean repeated. “Ok, I can do that.” He waited a moment to come up with something, and when he finally did, he smiled. “Your eyes,” He started, and smiled wider as he saw Castiel’s expression freeze slightly. “Are blue, as blue as the night sky moon.” He finished proudly, satisfied when Castiel blushed and shook his head.

“The moon isn’t even blue.” The other guy finally said, and Dean laughed throwing his head back.

“Come on, that was poetry! It doesn’t even have to make sense as long as it rhymes and sounds pretty.” He said, looking to see the dark haired man’s reaction. Castiel raised his eyebrows in surprise and mild disappointment, laughing slightly.

“Wow, you know what? That was the most ignorant thing I’ve heard you said.” He joked, shaking his head.

“Wait ‘til you get to know me better.” Dean said, and when blue eyes met green he stared deeply into them for a second, almost like he was trying to get a message through. It wasn’t long before the blue eyes seemed to shut him out and looked away, but he didn’t comment on it.They kept walking, talking about whatever came to mind. Dean told him about his job on the fire department, and his desire of helping people.

“When you save a life.” Dean started. “That person you just saved, they don’t even spare you a look, barely give you a thanks sometimes. You know what they do? They run away from you, run to whoever they can run to. And you know who thanks you? The people waiting with their arms open. They look you straight in the eye, touch your arm or whatever they can reach for if their hands are not too busy with some traumatized victim, and they thank you like you had just saved their own lives. I guess in a way you did.”He finished, his eyes shining with something new that Castiel had never seen on anyone else before. He had never thought of it that way, but apparently Dean noticed this kind of things even through the adrenaline.

“That must count more than anything else in your job.” Castiel said after a moment, still searching for one more feeling to manifest itself on Dean’s face, but the other man simply smiled, clearly still thinking about those moments.

“It does.” He nodded, turning his face to look at him, and the way his eyes seemed to have some unique, distinctive light on their own left Castiel without anything else to say in response.

They kept on walking, this time the peaceful silence during a while longer before they finally entered the Japanese Friendship Garden and it wasn’t long before they spotted Sam, Jess and Mary, who waved at them from where they stood. They smiled and waved back, jogging towards them.

“Where did you go? We waited for you on the parking lot but you drove right past us.” Mary asked as they approached.

“Yeah, we just parked the car somewhere else.” Dean answered with a grin, as if Castiel hadn’t been as clueless as the other three to the situation at the time, and Mary raised an intuitive eyebrow at her son, the kind that Castiel could never experience with a mother.

He grew up as the youngest on a family that consisted of his ever absent father, his brothers Michael, Luke, Gabriel, and his sister Anna, her being his only source to the protective and warmth of feminine affection.

“Alright.” Mary replied, still studying her son for a few more seconds before turning to look at the rest. “Well, we should get going; I want to see the koi ponds.” She said, and everyone nodded their agreement as they walked together. Castiel walked next to Sam and Jess, his eyes wandering back to Dean who stood next to his mother every once in a while.

By the time they reached the koi ponds they decided to sit down and converse for a while, and Cas noticed Mary looking at him in a similar way she had stared at Dean earlier, feeling like a patient would with their over analyzing psychologist, except Mary was a little bit more discreet about it. It could pass as Castiel being simply paranoid, except he was almost sure that wasn’t the case. After a while of listening to embarrassing stories about Dean and Sam’s childhood and teenage years, Mary asked about how they were doing with school and work. Sam told her the usual thing that came with law school and exams, and Jess talked about studying her 7th semester to become a Pediatrician, to Cas’ surprise Mary also expected details from him, so he told her about a few projects he was working on, that consisted on catching the perfect moments and explaining the meaning behind the picture. When Dean’s turn to talk about his job on the fire department came he smiled and looked at his mom for a moment before answering.

“Actually, my lovely family, Jess, Cas,” He started, taking his time to acknowledge each of them. “I have a very important announcement to make. I’m moving to San Francisco’s Fire Department.” He announced, clapping his hands together. Sam smiled at him, his big eyes shining with happiness at the thought of being able to see his brother more often, and Mary raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Yeah, things burn more often over there. Mother, my beautiful mother, don’t worry though, I will still come to see you every weekend.” He said, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek and put his arm around her. She rolled her eyes despite the grin on her face.

“You better, boy.” She replied seriously, making Dean laugh, and hold her tighter against his side. “When are you being transferred?” She asked.

“In two weeks, they actually just gave me the news yesterday.” He answered. The blonde looked over to Sam and nodded towards him. “That way I can keep a better eye on the kid.” He taunted with a smirk, and a new bickering began between the siblings. The rest of the night went on pleasantly, talking about silly things and sharing stories. When it was time to go and they finally stood up, Dean turned his attention towards Cas.

“Cas, you riding with me?” He asked, and Castiel shrugged with a smile.

“Sure.” He responded. It didn’t go past him Mary’s eyes lingered slightly on them. If Sam noticed anything strange about it, he didn’t comment on it, deciding to simply make his way to his car and promising to meet on Mary’s house in a few minutes.

Castiel wasn’t sure how to feel about the happiness lingering within him by the possibility of seeing the beautiful green eyed man again when he moved to San Francisco.

 

_This are the words I held back  
as I was leaving too soon_

_I was enchanted to meet you  
_

_Enchanted by Taylor Swift_

 


	3. I see you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean finally faces the reality of his situation and a good friend is there to offer comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally have Dean experiencing an emotional breakdown due to everything that's happening to him.  
> I've never been there, but I hear that San Francisco's got the biggest Chinatown, huh? Also, have you seen the night sky on that place? Breathtaking.

_Do you remember the way that you_ _touched me before?_                                                                  
 _All that trembling sweetness I loved and adored._  
Your face saving promises whispered like prayers.  
I don't need them.  


 

Dean shook his head, not noticing at first the grin that had found its way to his face. When he turned the page he saw a picture of himself, one Cas had taken that day. He looked so young, so happy and carefree, eager and so full of life for a person that was yet to know every wonder it could bring. He remembered that day; he remembered it oh so perfectly. The way he had felt when he saw Cas from the outside of his mother’s house, through that big crystal window on the garden. The other man had been so busy looking at some pictures, his face giving away he was one of those people who lived constantly interested by the most simple of things. Dean had smiled then, wanting to get closer, wanting to speak to him, to take a closer look at him.

He didn’t expect what came when Castiel turned around and their eyes met.

_“The moment I met him I found myself fixated on him…”_

The moment they met? What was that supposed to mean? Was it when Dean said his name, or was it when Cas introduced himself? Or had it been the same for the dark haired man like it had been for him? A heartbeat after they first looked into each other’s eyes, and second right before the first smile.

It didn’t matter. In that moment, the moment it happened all Dean had wanted to do was see Cas. Not look at him, stare at him- no. No that wasn’t what Dean wanted. He wanted to honestly, actually see Castiel. Every meaning behind every smile and what he sounded like when he laughed and how much brighter could his eyes shine and even how he looked when you made him sad. It should’ve honestly freaked him out, but it didn’t. Not ever, not really.

_Days passed since the first time that I saw Dean Winchester, and though I often found myself thinking about him I rarely asked Sam about him. The younger boy had commented something about Dean and him deciding that they would live together, since Sam’s apartment was actually big enough anyway, but that was just about it. I didn’t get Dean’s number; neither did I give him mine. Not that I would’ve, really. What would I do that for?_

_Needless to say I was more than surprised when I received a call from him exactly two weeks after our first meeting._

**April 23, 2005.**   
**Saturday**

It was 11:15 am, more or less. Castiel had just taken a very nice, very long shower, when his phone rang. He walked into his room with his hair still damp and nothing but a towel around his waist, and picked up the phone, smiling when he saw Sam’s name on the caller ID.

“Hey.” He answered as he made his way to his closet. He knew Sam spent most of his weekends on San Jose with his family, so he guessed he was just calling him because he wanted to talk or tell him something. He was not prepared, however, for the voice that greeted him from the other end.

“Hey there.” Definitely not Sam, but Castiel would be damned if he didn’t know exactly to which Winchester that voice belonged to.

“Dean?” He asked, surprise giving away on his voice.

“Look at that, you remember what I sound like!” The other man replied and his grin was practically as audible as his words. Castiel, of course, wasn’t going to respond anything to _that_.

“How did you get my number?” He settled for asking, his clothes long forgotten.

“I’m calling you with Sam’s phone.” Dean responded, and Castiel remembered that oh right, he knew that already. “Hey, listen, do you think you can come over?”

“Come over to where? San Jose?” He asked confused, sure that if Dean was calling from Sam’s phone it was because the youngest Winchester was there, with him.

“No, silly, I’m in San Francisco. I was being transferred, remember?” Dean asked, and yes of course Cas remembered, he had been thinking about it more often that he would like to admit, but not all the time, so what if he forgot for a minute? It wasn’t like he was actually supposed to remember it, anyway.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah right. Wait, so you’re here already?” Cas asked, realizing that if Dean wasn’t in San Jose, and Sam was with him, then they must be here in San Francisco, already getting everything settled for Dean to stay with Sam. He suddenly felt like an idiot, because his best friend had actually told him that his brother was moving in on Saturday so he would be staying for the weekend, but of course Cas’ mind wouldn’t bother remembering the important, obvious things, as always. He cursed his short attention span.

“Yep.” Dean answered. “And we need you to take some pictures of us, like right now, can you do that?” He asked.

“Um, sure.” Cas responded, not sure of what was happening exactly. “Just… why?” He asked. Not that it mattered, though, he knew he would go anyway.

“Memories, Cas! Don’t you have a project about that? You know, pictures and the meaning of it? That stuff.” Dean said as if it was actually pretty obvious, and the blue eyed man didn’t mention that taking pictures of Dean and Sam moving through their now shared apartment, trying to accommodate themselves and probably bickering every other minute wasn’t actually project material.

“Right.” He chuckled. “Ok, I’ll be there in a few minutes, just let me get dressed.” He replied and waited for Dean to say bye before hanging up. He grinned and failed to ignore the excitement building up on his body by the reality that he was seeing the green eyed man again.

He got to Sam’s apartment exactly 30 minutes after the phone call, and smiled when he saw Dean’s beloved Impala parked in front of it. The front door was open, and the brothers’ endless bickering and laughter could be heard from the outside. Castiel smiled and shook his head, simply walking in and closing the door behind him. He turned his camera on and quietly walked towards the voices growing louder. They were trying to move a mattress to the spare room that wasn’t so much of a spare room anymore, and Castiel waited for the perfect angle ‘til finally snapping what would be a perfect picture. The sound of the flash made them both turn towards him. “Hey Cas.” Sam was the first to greet him with a big smile, and Cas nodded at him.

“Need a hand?” The photographer asked, taking a few steps closer to them.

“No, what we need is for you to take a lot of pictures. My first hours on my new home. Every moment you can capture, you just click your fancy camera and catch it, like you did a few minutes ago.” Dean said, speaking to him for the first time with a serious looking face and making a small motion with his right hand. Castiel looked at him in mild amusement and Sam rolled his eyes.

“I’m sorry Dean called you here for a stupid Dean reason.” The taller man said.

“I’m not.” Dean replied, still serious. “This is going to help him with his project. I’m beating you on the friend department here, but you’re welcome Cas.” Dean finished, throwing a proud smile at Cas and nodding once. Again, the dark haired man didn’t bother telling him that he wouldn’t actually use any of these pictures for his project, but decided to humor him instead and snapped another picture of them.

“Ok.” He finally replied, smiling behind the camera. He looked at the picture; Sam was looking amused and yet annoyed with Dean, and the older brother was still looking at Cas, throwing a killer smile when he realized the other man was taking a picture.

The next 45 minutes consisted on them carrying boxes and moving stuff around the room. Finally, Sam and Castiel left Dean by himself to fill his closet and drawers and walked to the small living room. They sat on the rather ugly blue couch, joked about Sam’s new lifestyle and drank some of the beer Dean had brought with him. They sat comfortably for a while before the oldest man walked into the room, made himself known, declared he needed a shower, and asked very kindly for both of them to stay there and if they wouldn’t mind calling Jess as well. Cas looked at Sam questioningly as Dean disappeared into his new room once again and the younger boy silently shook his head. After they had called the young girl and she had told them that she would be there in a while, Sam finally shifted his position to study Cas, and the blue eyed man wondered if that analytic look ran on the family or if Sam had just learned that from watching Mary when she watched Dean.

“What?” Castiel asked after a while of a not so fair staring contest.

“What is going on with you two, huh?” Sam asked leaning back on the couch and staring at Cas with a look so determined to find out whatever it was that his friend wasn’t telling him. Since that Saturday they spent at Mary’s place his mom and even Jess had asked him if he knew what was up between Dean and Castiel but he was frustratingly as clueless as the blonde women.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Cas played dumb, knowing exactly what Sam was referring to. The other boy raised both of his eyebrows in surprised disbelief.

“You don’t know what I’m talking about, really?” Sam asked, causing Castiel to turn his head to the side with a smile.

“Alright, why are you asking me? He’s the one that called me here.” He replied with a dismissive shrug.

“So, I take it you two are already familiarized with each other’s orientation if you’re not all that confused by my question.” Sam said, also taking his beer to his lips and following his friend’s movements.

“Well, you were the one that told him about me.” The other man replied with a roll of his eyes.

“He asked! It’s not like it’s a secret, or something he would have taken badly, _obviously_.” Sam answered a little defensively. That was one of his prime reasons to believe that something was already happening. When his brother showed a certain interest on Castiel’s dating life and Sam ended up telling him more than a simple confirmation of his single status, he could barely suppress a groan at the older male’s grin. “Oh man, are you really going to hook up with my brother?” He asked when some sort of conclusion formed on his mind.

And Cas could’ve choked on his beer right then and there. He was not going to hook up with Sam’s brother (not that he had anything against that idea but he was _Sam’s brother_ ). “I’m not- what? No. We’re just… Look I don’t even know what’s happening, really. Your brother, he’s like… trying to have a conversation with someone that keeps on changing the subject. I don’t know what’s going on.” He answered pointedly once his initial surprise had passed.

“Do you mind it?” Sam asked with the ghost of a shit eating grin on his lips. Castiel took another sip of his beer to hide the smile that was threatening to appear on his face if provoked.

“Not really.” He muttered behind the bottle, and Sam half groaned, half laughed as he laid back on the couch and threw an arm over his eyes.

“I can’t believe this is happening.”

“Sam, shut up, nothing’s happening.” Castiel rolled his eyes and kicked his friend’s foot, finally finishing his beer. Sam simply shook his head in silent disagreement; he knew those two too well, maybe even better than they knew themselves. He knew something was going on, he could literally see it on them.

It wasn’t long before Jess arrived and consumed the last bit of Sam’s attention for the next 10 minutes until Dean finally stepped out of his room. He was wearing a green T-Shirt that brought out his eyes beautifully, and a dark pair of jeans. Castiel allowed his eyes to linger on him for a moment. He didn’t look especially handsome in that moment, compared to the first time they met, but it didn’t mean that the sight of him wasn’t just as pleasant at any moment. He said hello to Jess with a hug and kiss on the cheek, and she commented something about being happy to have him here.

“So, I was thinking we should go somewhere together, I kinda feel like driving around the city.” Dean told them as he sat down on a chair that was almost as ugly as the couch.

“Oh, now that you say that,” Jess started, pointing a finger at him. “I was wondering if you guys didn’t want to go to Chinatown.” She said, looking at each of them. Everyone agreed with her. Sam was thrilled with the idea, not having a chance to visit Chinatown in San Francisco since he arrived, Castiel really enjoyed those places and Dean confessed that he had also never been there.

They decided they would get something to eat once they were already there and finally stepped outside, agreeing that they would only take two cars. Jess, of course, was riding with Sam.

That left Dean, Cas, and the Impala.

Once they were already in the car and the blonde man put on the same look full of bliss when he turned on the engine, Castiel chuckled and shook his head, causing Dean to smile at him in response. He had been thinking about the blue eyed man far more than he cared to worry about, because he wasn’t, in fact, worried. He was thrilled, Castiel thrilled him, woke up his interest like no person had before and he didn’t even care if that was normal after just one day. He had already made his choice, which was getting as close to the photographer as he would be allowed, even if he wasn’t completely sure where that was taking him.

“Tell me, Castiel, how you’ve been?” He asked with an absolutely unnecessary air of sophistication as he began to drive away from his new home.

“I’ve been great Dean, what about you?” Castiel answered.

“I’m fantastic, thrilled to be here.” The fireman responded, sending a brief smile on Cas’ direction before returning his eyes to the road.

“I’m glad; you’re going to like it here.” Cas told him, and another smile made his way to Dean’s lips.

“Well, if that’s a promise.” He teased and Castiel grinned. God, he liked Dean, he liked him more than he should for a day and a half. They spent the rest of the ride with the same playful conversation, and Cas was surprised at how often the other man could make him laugh out loud, but he really didn’t mind. He felt better than he could even begin to describe, and Dean found himself loving the sound more every time he heard it.

“Are we actually going to Chinatown or are you going to mysteriously drive somewhere else?” Cas asked him when Dean had wondered about some good places to eat on San Francisco, and the blonde laughed.

“Where do you want me to drive to?” Dean asked and Cas knew that if he told him to go somewhere else right on that instant he would, with no explanation whatsoever to their friends, and the dark haired man considered the option of doing so for a moment before deciding against it.

“I actually want to go to Chinatown.” He responded, and Dean nodded once.

“Me too. To Chinatown it is, then.” He said, sending Cas another one of his charming smiles that the other man had been returning for the last 20 minutes. The rest of the ride was spent with a very strong vibe, both presences becoming quite intoxicating in the most perfect ways to each other.

When they finally arrived to Chinatown, Sam parked in front of the nearest (and cheapest) restaurant they could find and Dean followed suit. They ate quickly and Jess told them that if they wanted to see the place at its best they would have to stay ‘til night, to which none of the boys had any complaints. It was actually pretty big, but they didn’t feel like driving around it, specially the brothers, who insisted they wouldn’t even be able to enjoy being there if they spent half their time inside of a car, so they decided to walk. Cas was grateful he took his camera with him- though he rarely went anywhere without it- and took as much pictures as he could.

They were having so much fun, walking around, being silly, taking pictures, watching and joking. Of course Sam and Jess were walking side by side almost all the time, so that left Dean and Cas laughing together more than often. And Cas felt so good, he felt so incredibly good. They took a few breaks to sit down every once in a while or stop to watch something that caught their attention. Dean took a picture of Cas alone and then commented something about it being more Chinese than he expected, making the other boy grin even wider. He couldn’t remember having this much fun in a long time, and it wasn’t like there was something incredibly spectacular about the place, and yet he had never liked it more.

Dean didn’t leave his side the whole time.

_I understood at some point that it was because of the people I was spending my day with that it felt so incredibly magical. Jess and Sam were on their way to falling beautifully in love, though I always suspected it was that day, in fact, where it was settled. They were happy, and I loved them, and I loved having Dean there. Every time he laughed I laughed, even when I didn’t know what it was about, and it got to the point where I don’t think there was even a good enough reason to laugh out loud except that it felt so good we could’ve passed as drunk. Maybe people thought we were, I don’t know._

_The day passed so incredibly fast and before we knew it the sun was setting. We took more pictures and then walked into a small park, where Sam and Jess kept going, but Dean and I slowed down our pace. I think he wanted to spend time with me alone almost as much as I wanted to._

The energy that had been consuming their bodies all day seemed to disappear as they walked slowly side by side, saying some not important comment every once in a while, like those kind of conversations that last only a few moments before another comfortable silence settles in. They had bought cheap coffees at a small stand right next to the park, where there were, surprisingly, very few people, and Castiel enjoyed the simplicity of the moment. Very slowly, the sky began getting darker until stars were visible and the young man allowed his eyes to look up as they kept walking, and he absentmindedly took a sip from his cappuccino. They stopped to lean on a big tree and Dean told him about how he had always wanted to live in San Francisco, so moving was actually a granted wish to him. _Castiel_ told him that he would fall completely in love with the city, just like everyone else did.

The moon was as close and beautiful as always, and Castiel’s lips curled up at the sight. This was definitely his favorite part of the day. He turned on his camera and took a picture of it…

“The night sky?” Dean asked with a small smile, staring at Cas as a warm feeling invaded his chest and almost took his breath away. He couldn’t fully describe it, but the sky was prettier in San Francisco, the moon was closer, and it seemed to shine on the other man’s breathtaking blue eyes. Something in the way he stared at it make Dean stare at him with the same intensity, and he wondered if the photographer could feel exactly just how much Dean could see of him on that moment.

Actually see Castiel.

The other man hummed in response, barely even bothering to look at him, and his smile grew. “It’s just… I really like it.” He shrugged, still staring. After a while, he seemed to feel Dean’s eyes on him and turned to look at the blonde. “What?” He asked when the other man didn’t say anything else.

“Nothing is just,” Dean started, his voice soft and the ghost of a smile on his lips. He was searching for something on the blue eyes, something else that he had yet to find out and he swallowed when he realized he didn’t even understand half of what he saw in there. He wanted to confess to Castiel that he had liked him the instant he saw him, that he had been waiting for a moment like this since the first day they met… “I remembered that I have a telescope, it was my dad’s.” He finished, and bit back a sigh at his own words.

“Really?” Castiel asked, and he shifted his body so he could look at Dean better.

“Yeah, I honestly haven’t used it in ages, but I brought it here with me. Sammy likes it.” He shrugged. “If you want to, we could use it some time.” He offered, and held back a grin when those blue eyes seemed to smile at him brighter than anything else.

“Yes.” Came the almost immediate response. “Next weekend, is that ok?”

“Yeah, sure. Next weekend is great.” Dean told him. He would’ve preferred tomorrow night, but he could wait.

“Thank you.” Castiel smiled at him, and Dean returned the gesture not even a second later. Soon, they were looking up again as they made small conversation. Castiel’s eyes seemed to travel all around the beautiful, dark sight, taking in every detail, like he was trying to memorize every single star and Dean felt as if he could see them each on his eyes. There was a warm feeling invading his chest and he wouldn’t have minded staring at the other man for the whole night, but he settled for the night sky. Same difference, he guessed, less wonder, perhaps.

**September 14, 2013**   
**San Francisco**

Dean sighed as he looked at the picture of the night sky before putting the folder down. He yearned for those times, for those feelings that now he could only relive by reading his dead lover’s letter. It was the definition of bittersweet fondness and the still young man hated his present yet another day. He missed his past, and every ounce of happiness that came with it. He knew this wasn’t what Castiel intended on that message, but he was just starting to read it and he had honestly yet to figure out what was it that his boyfriend actually expected from this. Cas had always been so hard to understand that Dean found himself simply not doing it half of the time. He rubbed his face and stood up with another heavy sigh.

He grabbed the phone and dialed the numbers before he could change his mind, waiting for the person on the other end to pick up.

“Hey, Dean.” Benny greeted and he wasn’t sure if he called him by his name because of the caller ID or because Dean was honestly the only person that called him to his phone anymore. “How’s it going?”

“Hey, man.” He replied tiredly. “It’s... well, it’s going. Hey listen, do you think that we could meet somewhere, I’ve got something that I need to tell you.”

“Everything alright?” His best friend asked worriedly. Dean bit his lip and shook his head, biting back a sigh. “Dean?” Benny tried again when the silence got a little too overwhelming.

“No, nothing is alright. Nothing’s been alright for a long time but I really think that this is all going to hell now.” Dean responded honestly, his voice thick and tired and he felt like he could actually start crying on the phone in that moment.

“You’re scaring me, man.” Benny said nervously, completely unaware of what had his friend this shaken up. “How about I go to your place and I get some food on the way, and we can meet there, that ok?” He asked.

“Thanks man.” Dean told him, and after a few exchanged words they hang up. He went back to the couch and rubbed his face, blinking back the moisture on his eyes and shaking his head. He felt so incredibly old.

He had met Benny a few years ago, right before everything fell apart. They had hit it off right away and instantly became friends. Despite their constant bickering, he had actually shared a pretty good relationship with Castiel. He had always been there for Dean when he needed him and the blonde was grateful for that. Benny was the type of friend that never knew what to say but always knew when to be there, and that was honestly better than any other friendship he ever had.

It didn’t take long for the other man to arrive, and though he sent a few intensely worried glances at him he didn’t ask anything otherwise. Dean could’ve thanked him for that. After 20 minutes, crappy Chinese food and one beer later Benny decided it was probably time to figure it out.

“So, you gonna tell me what had you so upset earlier?” He asked carefully before taking a sip of his drink, eyes never leaving Dean. The other man stared at the table for a while, chewing on the inside of his lip for a moment before swallowing and looking up.

“I went to the doctor yesterday, to get my results.” He started, his eyes looking right past Benny, as if his mind had wandered somewhere else. Benny waited for a moment, a tight knot on his stomach and heaviness on his chest forming inside of him, and he held his breath. “He… he told me I had cancer.” Benny looked away from Dean’s eyes and a hand went slowly to his face, rubbing his upper lip. He reminded himself to breathe again, but a heavy sigh went out instead. He put his fist under his nose and closed his eyes, forcing his mind to digest the news even though his stomach was having a hard time keeping the food down itself. Finally a few words accompanied by a shaky breath left his mouth.

“Oh man, what the hell.” He whispered, and it made no sense but it was something. Dean nodded numbly and took a sip from his beer.

“Yeah, I know.” The blonde whispered.

“Damn.” Benny said again and mentally kicked himself for not being able of saying anything coherent, but he was honestly incapable of doing anything else. “Damn is right.” Dean replied, and Benny finally looked at him again. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked older than the last time they saw each other, which was a day ago. Just a day ago. Simply thinking of it made it all even harder to comprehend. “I don’t know what to say.” Benny told him.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Dean replied with a shrug and the numb expression on his face slowly began to slip away. “I haven’t told my family yet.” He said, and then shook his head. A second later his lips began to quiver and he began to blink rapidly, a sign that another new wave of emotion was hitting him and Benny told himself to stay serene for his friend’s sake. “Oh fuck.” Dean whispered and rested his left fist on his forehead as the tears began to fall. He absentmindedly wiped them away and kept staring at nothing, slowly shaking his head. Benny didn’t know what to say so he simply stared.

He waited for Dean to relax, to rub his eyes and shake his head and keep on talking with a broken voice, and for a moment it looked like his friend would try to do it, but after 3 seconds of failure he gave up and his tears began to fall more freely. He visibly held back sobs by gritting his teeth, his shoulders shaking with the emotion and effort it all took, and before Benny knew what he was doing he stood up and walked to the other side of the table. As he got closer, Dean stood up so fast that he sent his chair back, and he wondered if the other man would try to walk away, but when he didn’t move more than a few steps, didn’t do anything else but stay there looking around like he didn’t know where his self control had gone, Benny pulled him against him. He hugged Dean tightly and found himself blinking back tears as the blonde’s body shook against his.

“I’m tired.” He thought he heard Dean say hoarsely, and he nodded in response.

“I know.” Benny whispered. A tear fell from his eye and he couldn’t bring himself to care, so he simply repeated his words. “I know."      

 _Oh, I need the darkness, the sweetness,_  
the sadness, the weakness,                                   
oh, I need this.  
I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight,                          
Angel sweet love of my life,                                      
oh, I need this.

_-My Skin by Natalie Merchant_


	4. The Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we can see Castiel and Dean make a choice that's going to be crucial for the rest of their lives and also take a very big step into their relationship, as well as finding out some shocking news about Dean's grief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I haven't updated in such a long time. I promise to write more often now, I had just been kind of busy.

_It's just another night and I'm staring at the moon,_  
 _I saw a shooting star and I thought of you._  
 _I sang a llullaby by the water side and knew..._  
 _If you were here I'd sing to you._  
  
 _You're on the other side as the skyline splits in two,_  
 _I'm miles away from seeing you._  
 _I can see the stars from America,_  
 _I wonder do you see them too?_

* * *

* * *

 

 

_Even though Dean and I had no plans of seeing each other until Saturday, we talked a few times in-between that week, one time because I went to Sam’s place, and the others because we talked on the phone. The first time I called him, I asked him what he thought of a person setting fire to their own house. He asked if I was writing something about it and then proceeded to call it an idiotic human conduct._  
 _I was actually writing something about it._

_Our small, usually silly and unnecessary conversations brought a pleasant feeling to my insides. Everyday Sam would make some remark about it and smirk at me, and I couldn’t even bother to pretend that it made uncomfortable when I actually felt pretty good about it, best friend’s brother be damned. One way or another my days always ended up with me listening to Dean’s laughter through the phone, and I really had no problem with it. Not at all._

**April 28, 2005**  
 **Thursday, San Francisco**

Castiel was laying on his stomach, taking a look at some pictures he would have to deliver that weekend when his phone rang. It was around 9:45pm and he knew exactly who it was. He smiled, feeling his heart do the same and reached out for his cell.

“Hello Dean.” He answered, rolling on his back and staring at the ceiling.

“Hey Cas.” Dean replied and the photographer wished that the smile he pictured was really adorning the blonde man’s features and not just inside his head. “How was your Thursday?”

“My Thursday was splendid, of course. Like every other Thursday.” He answered.

“You like Thursdays?” Dean asked with a smile as he made his way to his room, holding a glass of water on his left hand, right hand pressing his phone to his ear.

“Everybody likes Thursdays.” Came the response from the other end. Dean set his glass down on his bedside table and sat on his bed. “Why, you don’t?”

“Of course I like them; I want to know why you do, though.” He asked, accommodating his body on the bed so he was leaning his back against the headboard.

“Well, first of all it’s close to Friday,” Cas said, and Dean nodded in agreement even though the other man couldn’t see him. “They’re relaxed, and… I don’t know, they’re nice. Why is this even an interesting question?” He asked furrowing his eyebrows and smiled to himself. It really wasn’t uncommon for them to bring up random subjects, but Dean always made a point to keep up the mystery until the end of the conversation.

“Because it comes with an interesting answer, my friend. I found out Castiel is the name of an angel, specifically the Angel of Thursday.” Dean said. He had fallen in love with the meaning of the name as soon as he read it, finding it so painfully accurate. “Is that why you like Thursdays so much, Cas?”

“I highly doubt it since I’m not that angel, but if that’s how you want to see things then by all means, don’t let me stop you.” Castiel teased and Dean grinned at the simple action, so common for them to turn a conversation into something so playful. If Cas had told him that he wasn’t an angel, period, Dean would’ve had to disagree with him. “I knew that already though, my incredibly religious family is familiarized with the nature of their names, trust me.” He said.

“Wait, every person of your family is named after some Angel thing?” Dean asked in amusement. It was actually a nice touch, really. He bet Castiel’s family was attractive.

“Kind of, yeah. I mean, Michael, Gabriel, Annael, even Luke.” Castiel responded.

“Luke? That doesn’t sound to angelic.” Dean replied with a snort.

“Try Lucifer.” The blue eyed man said with a funny tone, already knowing what kind of response to expect.

“Wait, hold on a minute, your extremely religious family named your brother after the Devil? No, really, what the hell?” Dean said unable to hold back a laugh.

“Well, not exactly. I mean, Lucifer used to be an angel, and anyway they didn’t name him Lucifer, it’s Luke, so technically he’s not named like the Devil but… yeah.” Castiel explained and shook his head at his family’s antics. So many names, they could’ve chosen so many names but they went for the one that would cause people to freak the most. The mention of the name left a thought lingering, though, and Castiel couldn’t help but realize it had been so long since he had spoken to his estranged brother, and he wondered where he was, how he was, and if he had changed too much since the last time they spoke. Almost a year ago, and time flies.

“You’ve never talked to me about your family.” Dean said after a beat of silence and the smile slid off Castiel’s face. It wasn’t a pleasant subject, or an easy thing to explain. In fact, it was one of the most complicated things he could try to talk about. The story was long and his feelings were always intent on making it seem harder. His family brought more of a bitter taste to his mouth than warmth to his chest, and he resented it.

“It’s… complicated.” He said, holding back a sigh. Complicated didn’t even begin to cut it.

“Religious family doesn’t approve of the gay?” Dean asked with a careful, yet interested tone.

“That and a few other things.” Came the response from the other end and Dean’s eyebrows shot up slightly. For quite a religious home there seemed to be some lack of peace if Castiel’s tone was anything to go by.

“Why don’t you tell me?” Dean asked, making sure he didn’t sound to pressuring but still inviting. He was interested in every story Castiel could offer, be it a good or a bad thing. It came with being fascinated with someone, he found.

“Well, for starters, it’s not a fun story. And it’s really long anyway; you don’t want to hear it.” Cas replied, not too eager to bore Dean with his dysfunctional home life experiences.

“Try me. We’ve still got time.” Dean said glancing at the clock, and on his house Castiel did the same. It wasn’t really too late, that was true. The blue eyed man bit his lip, still staring at the time until a soft voice greeted his ear. “Choose to trust me.”

Four simple words had created such a strong request and Castiel couldn’t understand the reason it had such an impact on him at the moment, but for a few seconds it seemed like the most important sentence he had heard in a long time. He darted his eyes to the window, meeting the night sky, and when he caught sight of the moon it was as if it had told him exactly what his only option was, and nothing could’ve felt so right. It seemed so simple now, talking to Dean about this stuff and it amazed him how the only thing the green eyed man had to do was ask and he would give in. He took in a breath and told him everything.

His mom had died when he was only 5 years old on a car crash and his father, one of the country’s most recognized lawyer and politician, had developed an unhealthy obsession with his job after that, leaving him forever absent at home and never there for his children. Michael, his oldest brother, had done his best to look after all of his siblings, and even though he had done a more than alright job, he seemed to forget his role as a brother and became more of a strict caretaker. Trying to be the perfect son and seemingly needing to make his father proud, he had taken an attitude similar to the man’s. He was serious, distant; always agreeing to everything his dad said and had even attended to law school. Castiel suspected he had only been trying to get closer to their father somehow, and there was a time he couldn’t really bring himself to resent his brother for that. Until the night he came out.

He had only been 15. He had always suspected one of the main reasons Michael had been so displeased when Castiel told them the truth had more to do with what their father believed than what he actually felt. He had always seemed to hold a soft spot on his heart for his youngest brother and Cas had felt so betrayed and taken aback when Michael turned his back on him. That day all hell broke loose after Luke snapped and told his father what he really thought about him, and then called out Michael for trying to become the man they all resented instead of being the brother they needed.

His father had slapped Luke across the face that night, and for a moment, it honestly seemed like Michael would intervene. He stood up so fast his chair almost fell down, and he took a quick step towards them, but then he seemed to hesitate, and that moment of hesitation turned into an expression of resignation, and Castiel couldn’t help the wave of disgust and disappointment that washed over him. Almost at the same time as Michael, Anna, the second oldest of the siblings and only one that knew about Castiel before that, stood up so fast her chair actually hit the ground, and with angry tears threatening to fall from her eyes she began yelling at her father, telling him how much a stranger he had become and asking him how he dared to raise his hand like he had some sort of authority above the son he had deceived so many years ago.

“After that Lucifer moved out and I think that if it hadn’t been for me and Gabriel so would’ve Anna.” Castiel finished his story with a chest heavier than when he started, and this time he didn’t bother to hold back a sigh. “Gabriel left a year after that and Anna didn’t move out until I went to college. I have a pride so big I was going to reject my father’s money, but I realized that I needed it to get away from him and everything else. I find comfort on the fact that he does owe it to me, to us.”

“Damn right he does, your dad is a dick, Cas.” Dean said with a frown. He had been 17 when he came out to his parents, and even though John hadn’t seemed so comfortable with the news, he silently put a hand on Dean’s shoulder, squeezed tight, looked at his son straight in the eye, and Dean hadn’t realized he had been holding his breath the whole time until his father asked him to go to his room so he could have a beer and talk about this in the morning. There was no screaming, slapping, kicking, crying or any of that sorts and he thanked his parents for it.

“I’m saving money, though. I’ll put a study as soon as I can and once I’m settled he won’t have to give anything to me.” Castiel informed him with a small, proud smile, and Dean’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“Cas, that’s amazing!” Dean said with a big smile as he sat up straighter on his bed. Castiel never ceased to amaze him, and every day the blonde found himself liking him more and more and he wondered if he would ever stop falling for the blue eyed man, when even the smallest things made Dean want to find out more about him, like he was a whole different science to understand, and a part of the fireman wished he would never finish discovering more wonders about the photographer that had walked his way into his heart, no matter how simple they were.

“Can’t feed from dad and small jobs all the time, can I?” Castiel answered with a grin. He turned to look at the clock when a yawn left his mouth, and he heard Dean chuckle from the other end.

“You tired?” He asked, looking at the time himself. 10:15pm. It had felt like he had spent more time talking to the other man and yet he didn’t quite want to hang up just yet.

“A little bit, yes.” Castiel responded, his lips forming a small lazy smile as he closed his eyes and combed his hair with his fingers.

“Yeah, me too. I’m gonna leave now so we can both get some rest.” Dean told him softly and Cas nodded even though the other man couldn’t see him.

“Alright. Goodnight Dean. See you on Saturday?” He asked.

“Goodnight Cas, see you on Saturday.” Dean said before hanging up. He looked out to his window and stared at the moon, a smile gracing his lips as the last thing he thought about before drifting off to sleep were a pair of blue eyes.

The next day went fast and easy for Castiel, like every other Friday. School was relaxed, and he had no jobs for the day. He had stayed at home like he normally enjoyed when he had nothing to do, usually reading a book or writing, as he seemed to be doing more often these days. He still hadn’t dared to admit out loud why his inspiration had been climbing so much.

The hours had passed faster than he even bothered to notice as he lay on his living room couch, a Nicholas Sparks book resting on his legs and a cold coffee on his hand when his phone ranged twice, indicating he had just received a text. He reached out for it and smiled when he saw it was from Dean.

_“You are home.”_  
 _-dean._

Castiel raised his eyebrows at that, not sure if he should take that as a question before sending a response.

_“I am home.”_  
 _-Cas_

It only took a few seconds for Dean to reply and Castiel stared at the message on his screen for a moment.

_“I know, I’m right outside and your lights are on. Open the door, I have something for you.”_  
 _-dean._

The writer let out a surprised, disbelieving chuckle before standing up and making his way to the door and opening it to find no other than Dean Winchester and his Impala in front of his house. The blonde waved at him from where he stood and then opened the backseat’s door, sticking his upper body in to pull something out.

“What are you doing here?” Castiel asked as he made his way to him, and Dean finally took out a box from the car. “What’s that?”

“I was lonely, Sam ditched me to go with Jess so I thought why spend my Friday alone at home like the boring people do instead of doing something fun.”

“I was spending my Friday alone at home like the boring people do, so I guess I’m not your best choice.” Castiel said with a shrug.

“Not at all, I’m implying you’re doing it like the boring people, not that you’re part of the boring people, notice?” Dean responded as they began walking inside, box still on his hands and Castiel couldn’t stop looking at it.

“Thank you, Dean, that’s quite the compliment. What’s in the box?” He asked again and Dean let out a dramatic sigh.

“Castiel it is such a beautiful night, I doubt tomorrow will be the same. I have a philosophy: leaving the good stuff for later when you can just do it now makes what could’ve been a great day just another monotonous factor on our monotonous existence.” Dean explained as he walked in, and the blue eyed man considered his words for a moment, deciding that it was, in fact, a great philosophy and wondering if it was really Dean’s or If he had stolen it from someone else. Nevertheless, he liked the sound of that. He then stopped to think more about what Dean said, and what he meant by leaving for tomorrow what could be done today… they did have plans for tomorrow and now Dean was here on a Friday night instead of Cas being on his place on Saturday night and only then did the photographer realized that it was the first time Dean came into his house.

“Is that the telescope?” He asked with the threat of a smile lingering on his mouth as he eyed the box on Dean’s hands, and the older man nodded in response. Castiel allowed himself to let out a small, soundless laugh, the kind that causes your lips to part on a grin and your breath to escape almost inaudibly through your mouth.

“But offer me something to drink first, ‘cause I’m thirsty.” Dean said as he put the box on the couch and then grabbed the book Cas had been reading.

“Oh, right. What do you want?” Castiel asked as he walked into the kitchen. “I have… coke, and water, and coffee and… water.” He announced loud enough for the other man to hear from the other room, and Dean replied without taking his eyes off the book.

“Coke is fine, Cas.” He said. A moment later Castiel walked in with two canes of cokes- his half cold coffee long forgotten- and he handed the drink to Dean. “The Best of Me, by Nicholas Sparks.” He said, and Castiel nodded, taking a sip from his own cane. “I’m telling you, you have no sense of originality.” Dean said seriously, shaking his head and moving the book on his hand as if trying to get his point across, but Castiel simply rolled his eyes and sat on the couch, opening the box Dean had laid there just a few minutes ago.

“It doesn’t seem too hard to put together.” Castiel commented, and Dean nodded in agreement.

“It isn’t. Come on, let’s take it outside, I’m already excited.” Dean said with a grin as he grabbed the box once again and made his way outside. Castiel followed him and that warmth that overcame his every sense when he was with the other man consumed him again, reaching an edge that bordered on the point of no return, even though he already doubted that he could walk away from Dean would he choose to, maybe because he couldn’t fathom the idea of wanting to.

It took them probably longer than necessary to put the telescope together because of all the joking and laughing, but once it was settled and Castiel had taken a few blankets out so they could sit on the grass if they chose to, a feeling of excitement filled him, and he didn’t know why his chest was fluttering so much. The night sky was beautiful and he found he liked Dean more when they were standing underneath it. Or maybe it was the other way around.

“Alright, come here.” Dean said as he finished adjusting the lens, indicating Cas to move closer with his left hand. He took a step back so the writer could place himself behind the telescope and when he looked through it, Dean couldn’t help the warm smile that formed on his lips, so calm and happy. Castiel’s body seemed to move with his every thought, and Dean could literally notice the effect the images were having on the other man. His shoulders, and arms, his neck and even the movement caused by his breath; it all gave him away and he wondered how many beauties the photographer could see that Dean, in his completely mortal existence, couldn’t even begin to perceive.

Castiel, on his part, refused to say a word, not only because he couldn’t find them but because he wouldn’t move his attention. The colors that had once been invisible to him made themselves known, and the stars had never looked this bright and powerful. Touches of purple and pink invaded the black, and he could easily tell the difference between the stars and the planets. The image was overwhelming and he was feeling himself getting lost on it, but only when he saw the moon did he feel his breath catch on his throat. Because it was beautiful, and entrancing, and enchanting, and Castiel loved it. It was bright and big, silver grey so obvious except for the dark part where the hidden sunlight wasn’t touching and he could almost feel his own eyes glowing in awe.

It was more than just the sight though, more than just what the eye could see, no matter how much it could be appreciated, and it was that part where Dean and everybody else failed to understand Castiel, and his strange fascination with these things. Because his mind seemed to open up to new wonders, his body now capable of perceiving more sensations, and his heart, oh how his heart filled with so much emotion. People wouldn’t understand, because sometimes not even he got himself, but he was a writer, a photographer, made to perceive beauty in so many different ways that his brain combined as one, always creating an overwhelming result that he had to get out of his chest.  
        But nothing had ever compared to this.

Only when he felt himself already drunk with the sight, and ready to look at something else, did he take a step back. He turned his head to look at Dean and both men’s heart skipped a beat simultaneously. Still on his daze full of beauty and wonder Castiel fell in love with Dean’s eyes ten times over again in a fraction of a second. Green met the brightest blue, bluer than Dean had remembered, big and beautiful and so full of everything, and he had never seen so much on the other man. It overwhelmed him, made his breath catch on his throat and his thoughts stop and combine into just one. It was like Castiel was sharing everything he had seen and felt through his eyes and yet Dean, so greedy and eager to take all of it, couldn’t even begin to process it. He was seeing Castiel again, more than the first time they stood together under the same sky- or was it the same? ‘Cause it felt so different now- at some park in Chinatown, it was deeper, stronger, more intense than ever, but he just wished that he could understand one single thing about him and those blue eyes.

“So, how was it?” Dean asked for the sake of breaking the silence, but then found he wouldn’t have minded if the silence had lived for a little bit longer.

“Beautiful, more than ever.” And if that was true then maybe Dean was seeing it all on Castiel’s eyes, because he couldn’t agree more. They stared, and stared, and Dean could’ve stayed like that the whole night, his whole life and even after death, and he would have never complained, not when those eyes seemed to hold the answers to all of his questions, even if Dean couldn’t yet comprehend them. “What?” Castiel asked after a moment of silence and the green eyed man smiled at the sound.

“I like you.” Dean uttered the response so sincerely and slowly. Soft, because the moment demanded it and he tried to make his every thought clear on his face. “Castiel I like you so much.” He repeated, because he meant it as much. “And I think you like me too.”  
         Castiel’s eyes shone brighter now, and Dean could notice the way he seemed to stop breathing. It encouraged him to keep going. “I think you like me too and I think that it’s time to make a choice, ‘cause I am not going anywhere. We can just stay here and look at that damn sky for the rest of the night and I will pretend that I like staring at the moon as much as you do ‘cause I honestly just enjoy being next to you. But if we do that then I’m afraid we’ll fall in love.” Dean said the last part so sure, and Castiel let out what seemed to be a nervous laugh and briefly looked to the ground, shaking his head. The green eyed man smiled because at least he hadn’t taken a step back, so he kept going. “Or you can just turn around, walk into your house and close the door behind you, but never call or go to my apartment again, even if it is to see Sam, ‘cause I will resent you forever.” He promised with a hint of a laugh and a nervous yet honest smile, because there was no going back now. Castiel’s eyes bore into his and Dean managed to read the surprise on them, but he couldn’t find a single hint of rejection. “Make your choice.” He whispered when the silence became too much, and Castiel smiled at him.

“I did.” Came the soft response, and Castiel’s smile actually touched his eyes, making Dean smile just as much. The blonde nodded a few times and then turned his head to the side, looking at the street and biting the inside of his cheek, he suddenly couldn’t find anything else to say. Castiel could’ve laughed but he kept quiet. His head was spinning and he was in bliss, and if Dean couldn’t keep going then that was fine by him, because he could take it from here. “I made my choice before you even asked.” Cas told him with a shake of his head, because it was so true. Even if he had never said it out loud, he had never even considered the possibility of taking two steps back, because he had wanted Dean from the moment he saw him, he wanted Dean and everything that they could be.  
          Hearing the beautiful man say that they could have everything Castiel would so willingly take made his heart fill with something that could, and would if they were so lucky, one day become love.

_“We lay on the blankets that I had taken outside and talked ‘til no more topics crossed our minds, and even then we didn’t stop talking. We stared at the sky, and it seemed so different now, I felt like I had looked into someone’s soul and now couldn’t see anything else that wasn’t the true beauty that hid underneath what met the eye. It was a beautiful sensation and Dean was right next to me, making it all seem so perfect. It was perfect._  
 _I don’t know how many hours we spent like that, until we allowed a comfortable silence to fall between us, and eventually, Dean fell asleep. I looked at him once, and couldn’t stop doing it after that. He looked so peaceful when he slept, so young and perfect, and my hand longed to reach out and touch him, but I didn’t. I shifted my body, though, so I was lying on my side, and I stopped watching the moon so I could watch over him. I could’ve stayed like that the whole night, my whole life and even after death, and I wouldn’t have complained. But it was dark, we were outside and he was sleeping on the ground, so against my every wish I woke him up. It was 2:30am, and he insisted on driving home._  
 _I asked him to go out on a date with me before he left, and Dean smiled so wide I couldn’t help but return the gesture. He made his choice, just like I had made mine and we agreed to meet the next day._

_It didn’t really felt to me like it was all moving too fast, as some would think, but it didn’t feel like it was moving slow at all either. It just felt right, like everything was moving exactly like it should, on a perfect, patient and destined pace. That night, as I went to bed I realized that I felt as if I would never touch the ground. I didn’t feel tired and yet I wanted to rest, and I knew I was falling for Dean Winchester, faster and harder than I expected, but in all honestly, I felt like I was flying.”_

The next day Cas was woken up by a phone call from Sam at 8:00am and he cursed his best friend’s name a hundred times on his head before picking up. The younger boy was practically shouting questions at him, one after one, and Castiel smiled despite himself at the fact that he was yes, in fact, going out on a date with Dean.  
       He called Dean around 12, and they had agreed to meet at 3:30 for lunch and after that they would drive to no destiny in particular.

“Bring your camera and your book.” Dean had told him, so Castiel put them both on a small bag and by 2:00pm he was ready, anxious and excited. He had seen Dean really no more than a day ago, and yet he wanted to see him now. A part of him wondered just how different it might be today and yet he refused to believe that just because this was a date they would act other than naturally, because things were never forced with Dean. He checked himself in the mirror a few times and decided that he looked good, and then convinced himself that if the fireman had liked him yesterday as he wore his not so great clothes, then he’d like him today. He was wearing a dark pair of jeans and a white shirt that fit him just right. His hair wasn’t precisely messy, but it didn’t look like he had put too much effort on it either. To be fair it never looked that way.

He left half an hour before 2:30, so he could get there in time. The place was a very good, very pretty restaurant, where they served all kinds of food, from Japanese to Italian. It wasn’t cheap, precisely, but Castiel- or rather his father- could pay it. He chuckled at the image of the man finding out his son was spending his money on a date with another boy. Once there he looked around the place, and didn’t take long to locate the blonde man. Dean, of course, stood out from the rest of the people; he was wearing a black shirt that looked more than good on him and also a dark pair of jeans. His hair wasn’t really styled either, looking almost as messy as Cas’ and yet he looked great. The restaurant had wooden floor and big crystal windows. There were lamps hanging from the ceiling, big and beautiful and the tables looked amazingly clean, each with different crystal cups whose number depended on the amount of chairs.  
        Dean grinned when he saw Cas approach the table and stood up once they were close enough to greet the younger man. They kissed each other on the cheek because they wanted to, and because they could, and if a few people sent them a glance or two they didn’t bother to even mind.

“Thought you weren’t coming.” Dean said after they sat down and Cas took a glance at the big clock hanging from the wall.

“It’s 2:37.” He said with a raised eyebrow. “I was only 7 minutes later than we agreed.”

“7 longest minutes of my entire life.” Dean replied in fake seriousness with a nod of his head.

“Dean Winchester, don’t tell me you got here at exactly 3:30.” Castiel teased with a smirk on his lips. Dean smiled at him and was about to reply when a waiter- a tall, thin man with dark hair and tan skin- approached them.

“Sirs.” He greeted with a polite nod and a small notepad on his hand. “Shall I hand you the menu’s now?” He asked Dean, who had been waiting for Castiel to arrive before he took a look at them.

“Please.” The blonde replied with an easy smile, and the waiter handed them each the small menus, which consisted on extremely pretty designs and equally awesome dishes. They asked for a bottle of some random wine, which was apparently a smart choice as the waiter praised the drink and then they told him to bring them the specialty of the house after a few exchanged glances and suppressed laughter.

“To answer your question I didn’t get here at 2:30, I got here at 2:20 and then stayed in the car for exactly ten minutes.” Dean told him once the waiter left, and Castiel raised both eyebrows at him, failing to hold back a smile that in the end he didn’t even mind showing.

“I’m charmed. Have you heard of arriving fashionably late, though?” He asked, sitting up straighter and scooting his chair closer, laying his forearms on the table and folding his hands. Dean smiled and repeated his exact same actions, and then leaned his face closer.

“I’ve never wished for having to wait for a person this much before.” Dean responded and Castiel opened his mouth, but couldn’t find anything to say so he let out a soft laugh and closed his eyes, shaking his head. “How am I doing?” Dean asked with a proud, teasing smile and Castiel met his eyes.

“Great so far.” Castiel replied, and they stared at each other for a moment before the waiter arrived and cleared his throat, making them sit back on their chairs and turn their attention away from each other.

“Your wine.” The waiter said as he filled half of their cups. He waited for them to taste it for the first time, and smiled at their pleased reactions. “Best wine on the house, sirs, 1998. I trust you enjoy your drink.”

“Absolutely, thank you.” Castiel told him with a polite smile which the tall man returned, before turning around and walking away.

“I’m gonna be honest.” Dean started. “Never in my not wealthy life have I tasted liquor like that.” Castiel laughed and took another taste of wine, which he couldn’t deny was really good. It was a mix between grape and raspberry, sweet and yet strong. It felt soft on his throat and pleasant on his mouth and he smiled to himself. Yeah, this was good.

Their food didn’t take too long to arrive, some small dish that- unlike Dean- Castiel didn’t actually love, but he still enjoyed it. They sat there talking for a while, about infinite topics that always lead to another and never seemed to have an end. Dean told him about how he was slowly becoming more comfortable on his new workplace and how he liked San Francisco better, and Cas paid careful attention to every word he said. At some point they exchanged stories and Castiel was surprised at how much more he could figure out from the green eyed man from such simple conversations. He liked the way Dean laughed at his not so amusing experiences, and usually ended up joining him. People left and new people arrived at the place as time went by, but they didn’t even bother to notice. They talked about whatever hobby they were enjoying at the moment, Castiel told him about the book he was reading, and in return Dean told Castiel he enjoyed driving around the city and simply finding new places to pass the time.  
          “San Francisco is so much bigger than San Jose.” Dean told him, and then shook his head. “Man, I haven’t even been here for too long but I really like this place.”

“I know.” Castiel nodded with a smile. He agreed, there wasn’t a better city on California than San Francisco, and he dared anyone to tell him otherwise.

“So, about that book you’re reading.” Dean said and then nodded at his bag. “Tell me about it.”

“Well, it’s a romance novel.” Castiel started. “It’s about losing love and then finding it again.”

“What a shallow explanation for a writer.” Dean responded, and Castiel rolled his eyes.

“You should read it, I’m not telling it.” The blue eyed man said, keeping himself from rolling his eyes. He could so easily spend a long time talking about this book and why he loved it so much, but if Dean asked him to _bring_ the book here then it couldn’t just be so Castiel would keep it on his bag and then talk about it.

“Castiel, quote the book.” Dean requested, taking a sip from his refilled cup. Cas looked at him for a moment, but Dean merely stared back, waiting for the other man to do as he asked. Eventually, Castiel gave in and took the book out of the bag- still confused- and opened it, going through the pages carefully and trying to identify the parts he enjoyed the most. He paused when he came across one, and then looked back at Dean, who moved the hand holding his cup of wine, silently telling him to keep going.

“What, do I read it?” Castiel asked, shaking his head.

“Of course.” Dean grinned behind the glass of wine and stared at him expectantly, eyebrows raised in a way that Cas smiling despite himself with a shake of his head.  
        He didn’t think much when he took a breath and carefully began reading the words before him, words that he knew by heart but couldn’t remember in mind.

 _“You'll make mistakes and struggle like everyone, but when you are with the right person, you'll almost perfect joy, like you are the luckiest person who ever lived. And that means you'll love and be loved...and in the end, nothing else really matters.”_  
        He smiled, and putting the book down he turned his eyes back to the man sitting across of him and said the words that had struck him since the first time he read them: _“Love, after all… always said more about the ones who felt it, than it did about the ones they loved.”_ From the other side of the table, green eyes stared at him thoughtfully, a ghost of a smile that Castiel remembered from the first time they met on Mary’s house was visible on the other man’s lips, and the photographer stood quiet as he stared back at Dean. Having those eyes analyzing him had become a common thing on the last few days, and he didn’t feel like interrupting now.

“Castiel.” Dean finally spoke after a while. "Have you ever loved?" Castiel’s face stayed as even as if there had been no question, but his eyes gave him away. To some magnitude, he had. It had been love and it had been sweet, and he smiled tenderly at the memory.

"Once, yes. Her name was Meg and she has to be one of the most intoxicating persons I have ever met." He shook his head. He had met Meg at the age of 16 and told her he loved her at the age of 17. Her laugh was as smooth as her voice and she carried a presence that took everything with her as she moved. Dean looked at him for a moment, silently, before talking again.

"Did she love you too?" He asked.

"She did." Castiel responded softly. "In her own special way. Meg always did everything on her own special way."

“Special woman?"

"Very." He said honestly. Special woman, different didn't really began to cut her. Dean watched with interest as a sad, melancholic smile made his way to every expression on Castiel’s face, until the dark haired man spoke again. “She passed when we were 18.”

Saying that it had caught Dean off guard would’ve been an understatement. He was sure he sat there staring at Castiel with a frozen expression for more than a few seconds before saying something. “She- Jesus… Sorry, I didn’t...” He trailed off. Of course he didn’t know.  
       This was honestly a great way to ruin a date.

“Dean, don’t worry about it. I like talking about her.” Castiel assured with a gentle smile, and Dean nodded, biting the inside of his cheek and briefly looking down. “I met her when I was 16, and… I think I might have fallen in love with her somewhere between 17. She had this thing about her, like she absorbed everything on her way. The day I told her I loved her she told she loved me too, and we kissed for what wasn’t really the first time at all, but it counted more than anything else, you know?” Castiel stopped talking to take a deep breath through his nose and Dean patiently waited for him to keep going. “She died a few months after that, in a car accident.” He shook his head. It had been all been so fast and sudden, her death happened as insanely wild as her life, and just like always, it had actually been her fault.  
       Blue eyes met green and Castiel smiled at him. “I promise you I’m not stuck in grief.” He said, and Dean chuckled as he looked down, not really having anything else to say. Cas looked at him for a few seconds before choosing to speak. “Have you?”

Dean looked up at him and stared for a few seconds, confused.“Have I?” He asked.

“Have you ever loved?” The question caused Dean to smile a contemplative kind of smile, and his eyes traveled back to the table for a second before looking up again, but they wouldn’t meet Castiel’s.

“Yeah, I guess I have. Her name is Cassandra and she was… well, intoxicating is also a term I’d use to describe her. She just…” He put his hands in his face and laughed. “Oh man… she was intense. She was… strong. She’s a cop now, actually, a very badass one if you ask me.” He settled for saying before grabbing his cup and drinking from it, putting an end to that conversation.

They kept on talking easily after that, changing subjects so naturally and unnoticed. By the time they realized time had caught up with them and it was already 5:30, Castiel was eager to leave that place.  
      “If we don’t go now we won’t have enough time to do more things.” He had told Dean, and so they left not even 4 minutes after that.

“Where do you want to go now?” Dean asked and Castiel thought about it for a moment as they walked to the parking lot before grinning at the blonde and telling him to follow his car.

“Do the mysteries ever stop with you?” Dean asked seriously but teasingly in that humor of his and Castiel shook his head.

“What mysteries? I’m like an open book.” He replied without looking at the other man and walking to his car, and Dean shook his head as he saw him walk away. If only Castiel was as easy to read as a book.

Castiel kept on driving until Dean honestly had no idea where they were going as he wasn’t yet familiarized with all of San Francisco and his streets. “Castiel, where in the hell are we going?” He muttered to no one in particular, and smiled despite himself. His mind flashed back to the time where Dean could choose whatever destination he wanted them to go to on his car without giving the other man a hint as to where they were going. He found he liked following Castiel that day, and would for as many days as the photographer wanted him to do so.  
        It was definitely more than an hour later by the time they made it to Presidio Pkwy and once they were close enough to where Castiel wanted them to be, Dean followed as the other man parked the car so he could park his next to him.

“Do you know where you are, Dean?” Castiel asked as they approached each other and began walking together.

“I am on my way to an unknown destination with you.” Dean responded surely with a nod of his head and then smiled. “That sounds so good, I should say it again. I’m pretty sure that just earned me some points.”

“You have a way of twisting romance.” Castiel told him with a shake of his head and the green eyed man shrugged.

“Romance, nevertheless.” They walked for approximately 10 more minutes until they were right in front of what Castiel told him was the Palace of Fine Arts. The blue eyed man had made a point of raising his arms, extending them as wings and closing his eyes. It was sort of like a park with an ancient Greek or Roman air to it, and Dean had to admit it did look like it had been taken straight out of a dream, and if he had to guess whose dream was it he’d say some mind just like Cas’.

“I wished I came here more often.” He told Dean.

“Why don’t you?” The older man asked. He looked at Castiel curiously, and took in his every movement. The photographer chose that moment to take out his camera.

“We shouldn’t exploit the biggest pleasures.” He answered with a shrug and then directed his camera at Dean, whose smile and contemplative eyes were directed at him.

“I couldn’t disagree more.” He replied softly, and Castiel grinned before snapping a picture.

The entrance was completely free, and Dean couldn’t deny the beauty of it. There were swans on the water, and everything was absolutely clean, as if people were ashamed of getting it dirty. Castiel took pictures after pictures, and soon enough they were laughing around, only stopping every once in a while when Cas wanted him to appreciate something.

“I feel good.” Dean stated as they approached the center of the park, and Castiel smiled contently.

“Then I’m doing good.” He replied, raising an eyebrow at him.

“You’ve been doing great.” Dean assured him with a grin and threw an arm around his shoulders. “Castiel, the sky’s getting darker.” He pointed out as he looked up. Cas followed his gaze and Dean could see that look that breathtaking look that drove him to the point of insanity gracing those blue eyes again.  
       The blonde licked his lips without really meaning to, just a quick response to the urge of wanting that went far beyond a simple physical cause, because Castiel attracted him from mind to body and Dean felt himself growing weaker every second. They kept walking impossibly close to each other until it was actually dark outside and they approached the lake. “You know, I kinda feel like watching the night sky.” Dean told him with a hint of a smirk and a hint of honesty, and Castiel grinned at him.

“You’ll end up having to watch the night sky with me at every point of San Francisco.” Said Castiel, but his grin remained. Dean smiled at him with just his eyes and shook his head.

“Wherever you want, Cas.” He whispered to him with so much confidence and honesty, so trusting and committed as he stared into those eyes, and Castiel’s smile softened into something tender. How crucial were these moments where you could lose yourself completely into another person until you couldn’t tell your lives’ apart.  
        It all happened so fast and yet so carefully, when Castiel’s eyes lingered on Dean’s lips and when Dean leaned in towards him. It all felt so agonizingly perfect that every cell on their body yelled at them to rush towards it, but every beat of their hearts kept them going slowly. They savored, if only for a second, the feeling of their breathing combining into one before their lips were pressed together in an impossibly soft touch. It turned into a kiss full of tender feeling, so patient and careful, like they were afraid of breaking whatever fragile thing they were building. After all, something that happened in what was really a blink of an eye couldn’t have been strong enough to resist so much passion. No, it was the kind of moment that you let yourself drown in almost lovingly, like a slow dance.

They parted after a while and Dean noticed the feeling of Castiel’s hands on his cheeks as he looked in an almost drunken haze at the blue eyed man. Castiel was looking down at his lips and he was almost pressing his head against the blonde’s nose, so Dean pulled him closer until he could smell his dark hair, and then a soft, low laughter escaped his lips which he had pressed on Castiel’s forehead. He could feel Castiel almost as much as he could see him now and the thought made him feel like falling just as it made him feel like he was flying.  
         “I might as well be handing my soul to you.” He whispered, and Castiel pressed his lips against him in response, this time on a much stronger and yet still tender kiss.

Above countless of stars reflected on the water, and the lights of the Palace of Fine Arts witnessed as their very beings turned into just one. No choice that they could’ve ever made would’ve possibly hand them so much of everything as the one they made before the very eyes of San Francisco’s moon.

_“With that kiss I could feel myself giving as much to him as he gave to me, and I don’t think giving someone something they could break had ever been as easy as handing my existence to Dean Winchester as we pressed our lips together.”_

**September 15, 2014**  
 **Sunday**

Dean was hurting; his emotional pain resulting into physical and his headache wasn’t even the start of it. He felt so exhausted and sleeping couldn’t make it go away. It was emotional and mental, and a few pills wouldn’t put his distress to rest just because he wasn’t conscious to feel it take its toll on him.  
       Castiel was killing him, simple as that. Every word he could read it on his voice and those damn thoughts that only the writer could use like that. Dean felt them and loved them as much as he hated them, ‘cause those were words that didn’t die with his lover and yet his lover didn’t stay with his words, and that was the sad truth of it all. Castiel died, everyone who Dean had ever loved and had died made him feel like he was living for ghosts, who somehow still haunted him after being already so far gone.

There were instants, terrible ones, where Dean wondered if given half the chance he would willingly forget them all, forget how strong his love could be and how infinite his pain could feel. But that meant letting go of also the things that had made him happy, happiest than he could’ve ever even dreamed of being. He could still see the things he had learnt to feel those years ago, and he couldn’t choose to live without them once he had already lived them. There was the part of him who still held on to everything his love had taught him, and he closed his eyes as he took a deep breath.  
        He wanted a drink as badly as he needed Sam to scold because of it, so he called Jess. After a few rings she picked up the phone.

“Hello?” Came her soft, sweet voice from the other end and Dean would’ve cried if he had the energy.

“Jess?” His voice sounded scratchy and unused, so he cleared his throat. “Hey it’s me, Dean.”

“Dean? Are you ok?” She sounded concerned, and he realized he must have sounded worse than he thought.

“Dean?”

“Can I meet you somewhere? I have something I need to tell you.” It felt so much like talking to Benny except Jess was better at comforting and worse at being patient.

“Ok… alright.” She replied, sounding more worried. “Dean, is everything ok?” She asked warily. Dean sighed and closed his eyes, pressing his forehead against his hand and shaking his head even if the woman couldn’t see him.

“No, Jess.” He whispered, not trusting his voice. He cleared his throat again before talking. “Listen, can I see you in two hours? I need to talk to you, I just… I need to see you; I need to see my niece.”

“Dean, you’re scaring me.” Jess told him, and Dean couldn’t help the guilt eating at his chest. He was going to hurt the people he loved through his own disease, and he wondered how that was fair.

“I’m sorry, Jess, just… can I see you in two hours?” He asked again and bit the inside of his cheek, clearing his throat for the third time during that conversation, and he would get pretty mad if he started crying again.

“Yes, Dean, of course you can see me in two hours, you can see me whenever you want, you know that.” She told him. “You sure you don’t want me to go to your place?"

“No, Jess, that’s fine. Listen, I have to go. See you in a while ok?”

“Ok…” Came the soft, still worried response, and Dean nodded.

“Ok, bye.” He hung up and sighed as he dragged his feet towards the couch and let himself fall into it.

How could he have ever thought that reading this would actually do him any good? What had he been thinking? What had Castiel been thinking? Dean was sure he could finish that story and 20 other different books from Cas and he still would not know.  
        He was angry, so angry and frustrated. He wanted to be healthy, and he wanted to be happy.  
        He wanted Castiel to live and he wanted to love him through more than just his grief. He wanted Jess to laugh more often and he wished that Sammy was still here to be his little brother. He wanted Sam to feel the joys of being a father and he wished that his mom wouldn’t have to bury another son.

Dean thought about everyone and about everything and his eyes watered just as they always did at the reality of having to see Jess and his niece again. Her name was Janette and she had those eyes that would make Dean give in to everything since he was kid, the very same eyes of Sammy, and Dean couldn’t help but run a hand through her hair every time he saw her and think about his little brother, the one he had lost 2 and a half years ago.

What would Sammy do if he knew?

 

_I can hear your heart on the radio beat,_  
 _they're playing 'Chasing Cars' and I thought of us,_  
 _bact to the time you were lying next to me,_  
 _I looked across and I fell in love._  
 _So I took your hand back to London streets and knew..._  
 _Everything lead back to you._  
  
 _So can you see the stars over Amsterdarm,_  
 _and the song my heart is beating to?_  
  
 _So open your eyes and see the way our horizons meet._  
 _And all of the lights will lead into the night with me._  
 _And I know these scars will bleed,_  
 _but both of our hearts believe_  
 _all of these stars will guide us home..._  
  
 _ -All of the Stars, by Ed Sheeran_

 


End file.
